


cathexis

by aquila (pipistrelle)



Series: shine through the gloom and point me to the skies [2]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Drift - Freeform, Drift Bond, Drift Side Effects, F/F, Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Memories, Multi, Pre-Movie, The Drift (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-17
Packaged: 2017-12-25 18:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/956479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipistrelle/pseuds/aquila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Studies in Drifting. Here's a machine that lets you live another person's memories, see what it's like inside their head, and people act like the results can be predicted. But there's no manual for this. </p><p>What the Drift creates isn't always love, but it's always complicated.</p><p>For the Jaegercon bingo prompt "connections".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tokyo 2016

**Author's Note:**

> I have tried to line this up with the canon timeline, but I wasn't incredibly concerned with matching everything up. All the canon materials I could find said that Onibaba was Coyote Tango's first engagement, so for Tamsin to have already developed cancer, I presume there must have been a great deal of testing and practice.
> 
> Also: no one can ever convince me that Luna and Tamsin weren't dating.

There are times when Stacker wonders if he and Tamsin would have been Drift compatible in the old, sane world, before Luna died.

Logically, he knows that Drift compatibility is a complex condition, a perfect storm of brainwave patterns, temperament, trust, and history; in other words, not something that can spring up from nowhere as the result of a single event, however traumatic. But he knows also that more devastating changes have been wrought with less, and the fact is that however well he and Tamsin had got on before Trespasser, they could never have done anything like this.

“Initiating neural handshake,” Dr. Lightcap’s voice crackles over the intercom. Stacker closes his eyes, consciously relaxing his major muscle groups to better absorb the shock of the Drift. Beside him, he knows, Tamsin is trying to do the same, but she’s never learned the knack of it and always resists just that tiniest bit…

The inside of his eyelids explodes into blue luminosity, his body shudders with neural feedback and Luna is alive again.

 _laughing_ _running through wild streets shouting can’t catch me Stacks -- first day of flight training she picked a fight with the instructor and I fell in love -- we were partners in crime she said -- never washed out a damn mug a day in her life -- we went up in planes every day but when she kissed me I learned to fly --_

This is where Tamsin and Stacker connect. Circling the same abyss, they are thrown into orbit with each other. Their memories build and collect, bringing back

_the courage with which she tried to hide him after the fire -- the scent of her hair on the pillow next to mine -- her hard smile and her hard-won laugh -- her horrible tone-deaf taste in music --_

almost all of it, almost enough.

Almost.

“Neural handshake holding strong.” Dr. Lightcap’s voice breaks through the veil of memory like a shaft of light. “How are you feeling, Rangers?”

“Fully functional,” Stacker grunts.

“What Stacks means to say is that we’re feeling bloody fantastic and ready to kick some kaiju ass.” Tamsin sounds cheeky, cheerful, but Stacker is in the slow current of grief underneath the laughter.

He knows the truth, and Tamsin knows; that what keeps them in the Drift isn’t the Pons, but shared love for a ghost.

* * *

The test of Coyote Tango is flawless. Afterwards, Stacker stretches out on his bed with the lights off, staring up at the ceiling, striving to control his breathing.

The Drift leaves an ache, a persistent tug, towards Tamsin, towards the Luna they create and destroy every time they climb into a Conn-Pod. Stacker resists the pull. He knows perfectly well that it will destroy them, this shared grief. It’s not healthy. They should move on.

He thinks that’s funny, in a way -- how if they move on, millions may die. How they can look out at a burning world and worry about stitching their own wounds. The open wound he and Tamsin share is what lets them fight; it will stay open. It will be a weapon of revenge against the kaiju who inflicted it. Anything can be a weapon, he thinks, if it can be properly controlled.

He feels Tamsin coming before he hears her. She breezes into the room and shoves a mug at him as he sits up. It’s probably meant to be tea, but real tea is getting impossible to find these days, so she’s had to make do with the overcaffeinated synthetic gruel the mess hall has been passing off instead.

Stacker sips it and grimaces. “What’s this?”

“A bribe. Get the hell out,” Tamsin replies. “I’ve got to get changed. Got a date tonight.” Her manner is light and airy, but to Stacker it’s all brittle and hollow, all wrong.

“Anyone I know?” he asks, stirring the fake tea idly as Tamsin digs through her closet.

“I doubt it. She’s not a recluse, actually gets out and has fun once in a while. Now, are you getting the hell out or not?”

“All right.” Stacker sets the tea aside, stands, stretches, and heads for the door. On the threshold he pauses and looks back at the fiery glow of Tam’s hair in the gloom. He wants to tell her that going on dates won’t help, that nothing will as long as they keep doing this to themselves and each other. He wants to tell her that he loves her, and because he loves her he would stop, if he could. If they could. If there weren’t so much more at stake.

What he says instead is “I’ll see you later then, shall I?”, and turns to leave.

(Twenty years later he will say to his daughter, “You can always find me in the Drift,” and he will know that she understands.)


	2. Alaska 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first thing you learn in the Jaeger Academy is that the Drift isn't what everyone thinks it is.

“Most of what you’ve heard about the Drift is complete kaiju shit,” the Ranger on the stage is saying. The first Jaeger pilot Raleigh's ever seen outside a TV or holoscreen is a compact, heavyset woman with dark skin and a voice that rings clearly over the hubbub of a hundred cadet hopefuls without needing a microphone. Her name flashes up on the holoprojector high above her head: _Adaline Nguyen_. Her partner trails her like a pale shadow.

 “It’s a lot of romantic stories that get reported,” Ranger Nguyen goes on, “and you lot come rushing in here to volunteer because you think you love each other enough to save the world! Look at your partners, you who came in with partners. You think you’ve got _love_?”

 Raleigh glances over to find Yancy smirking at him, and rolls his eyes.

 “Let me tell you something then, children!” Ranger Nguyen barks. “The Drift is _not_ love.”

 A faint murmur of protest from the crowd. Nguyen smiles.

 “That’s right!” she shouts. “The Drift is not love. It’s not destiny, it’s not romance. Shit, you don’t even have to like the sod you’re Drifting with. I’ve known Rangers who have hated each others’ guts, paired together for years because they could tear kaiju limb from limb. It’s about compatibility, and compatibility is about how well you can fight!”

 Her partner, a pale, wilting beanpole of a man whose Ranger uniform looks too big on him, nods in approval.

 “I’ll tell you what Drifting is!” Nguyen barks. “Empathy. Emotional entanglement. Being in your partner’s memories, you’ll understand them, see things their way, whether you want to or not. You’ve heard there’s no secrets in the Drift, but it’s worse than that, children, much worse. There’s no lies in the Drift, either, no avoiding nasty topics or changing the subject. You think it, they hear it, and no taking it back. Drifting with someone means seeing their bare self, naked and entire. And they’ll see yours. Think about that. Not always a pretty sight, is it?”

 The auditorium is dead silent. Raleigh can’t help but glance at Yancy again, but he’s staring straight ahead, his expression unreadable.

 “Now,” Nguyen continues, once the silence has stretched into deep discomfort, “how you feel about your partner after you see his guts exposed, that’s up to you. Maybe you’ll come out of it and love him. Or maybe he’ll make you sick to your stomach. The PPDC doesn’t give a shit about that, one way or the other. What we’re concerned about is, can the two of you work together, trust each other, enough to win the hardest fight any human has ever won?

 We can tell a few things from brain scans and personality tests, but when it gets down to it there’s no test for compatibility except trial by fire. You’ve all had your EEGs compared and you’ve passed a preliminary combat trial. You and your partner won’t burn each others’ brains out in a catastrophic feedback loop -- probably. That’s all we know. The rest is up to you.”

 Nguyen’s partner steps to the front of the stage, pulling the microphone toward him with a quick, nervous gesture. He pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper, smoothes it carefully, and reads out, “When your names are called, you will proceed to the Drift Simulation chamber on my left. First cut lists will be posted at twenty-two hundred hours on the holoprojector in this room. There are no appeals.” He looks up from the paper and adds, “Good luck.”

 “Make your last confessions,” Nguyen advises, still grinning. “Got any disruptive secrets, spill 'em now. Don’t want any surprises in there.”

 The taut silence dissolves into a roar of voices as the first pair of names flashes up on the holo. Raleigh turns to his brother. “I got something to tell you, Yance,” he says gravely.

 Yancy eyes him suspiciously. “Yeah?”

 “I was the one who ratted you out to Ma for breaking the attic window with that slingshot on Jaz’s birthday.”

 Where Raleigh is quick to smile, Yancy is slow. He fixes Raleigh with a blank look that seems to last an eternity before he breaks and grins a mile wide. “You little asshole.”

 Raleigh grins back. Everyone around looks nervous, huddling together with their partners, but somehow Nguyen’s threats only make the whole thing seem more exciting. They only signed up for kicks, and there’s no getting kicks without a little risk, a little danger. Already Raleigh’s pulse is kicking up, and he can feel the familiar tingle of anticipation tightening his shoulders. He and Yancy have run all the risks, gambled whatever they had and gotten themselves in deep shit before, but this is something totally new. And if they come out intact --

 “We could really do it,” he says, suddenly burning with belief. “We could get out there on the front lines, save people.”

 “Don’t get cocky,” Yancy says mildly.

 “What? You gettin' scared? You know, it's not too late to run."

 Now Yancy's smile is conspiratorial and a little cruel, one hundred percent big brother. A new pair of names flashes up on the holo: _Becket, Raleigh_ and _Becket, Yancy_. An automated voice reads it out, but it’s drowned out by the noise.

Yancy stands and claps his little brother on the back. “I'm not scared of being in your head, that's for fuckin' sure. And I know we have what they’re looking for and more. Now get off your ass and let’s go prove it.”


	3. Vladivostok 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is an unremarkable fairytale. (Sasha/Aleksis Kaidonovsky)

_“Lieutenant Kaidonovskaya, will you tell me a story?”_

_“You fought very well today; it is clear you have been practicing the holds I taught you. If you promise to keep practicing even after the Marshall takes you south again, then I will tell you any story you want to hear.”_

_“I promise. Please tell me how you learned to drive a Jaeger.”_

_“It is not a remarkable story, but -- very well. A long time ago, on a naval base far away from here, there was a soldier…”_

* * *

She is a rising star in the Naval Infantry with a soul of iron and eyes that miss nothing. He is a shipbuilder, assisting and assembling the machines responsible for the upkeep of naval vessels. 

He has been arrested for starting fights, for losing his head in bursts of uncontrolled aggression; she is never uncontrolled and rarely aggressive, and this ensures her loneliness even as it advances her career.

She sees him first among the machines in the shipyard, keeping pace with them in their indefatigable labor. It is his strength that first attracts her. As someone who is very strong on the inside but does not often show it outwardly, she is intrigued by this man who cannot hide it. It is not until later that she learns how strong he is on the inside, as well.

When they are together, he is more gentle, and she is less lonely. They are married, and they are very happy together for six years.

When the need arises for strong, compatible people to pilot Jaegers, the military records are examined, and this Naval Infantry soldier is called with her husband to be tested for training.

They travel from Vladivostok to Moscow for the test -- a very long journey. While they are traveling, the soldier and her husband talk about what they will do if the test succeeds. Will they fight, knowing it will be very dangerous? Will they do this new thing that no one has ever tried, this technique of piloting a machine taller than the tallest mast in the naval fleet? If they are asked to separate, it will cause them much pain, and if one of them is sent to war they may never see each other again. If they do not fight, and stay in their home near the sea, they may not both survive the kaiju.

It is a very difficult decision. They arrive in Moscow still unsure.

The test is a success. The scientists say that it is amazing, the best result they have ever found. The soldier and her husband have a strong bond, stronger than anyone has seen.

They will not be asked to separate. They will be sent into battle to fight the kaiju together. This pleases both of them very much, and they agree.

While they are training to pilot a Jaeger, learning how to work the computers and the mechanics of the body, their Jaeger is still being built. It runs on a nuclear core, which must be placed in the head because of the heat it gives off. Other Jaegers have their pilots in the head, and their power in the heart; this Jaeger will have its power in the head, and the soldier and her husband will pilot it from the heart. It is a safer place to be when fighting a kaiju, but it means that there is no place for an escape pod; in this way it is also more dangerous.

In the end, though, it is a good decision. The soldier and her husband are bonded by strength and love, both of which occur in the heart, not the head. They believe that being together in its heart will make their Jaeger stronger than the others, so they may kill more kaiju and defend their home.

* * *

_“Were they right?”_

_“Oh yes. They are still fighting today. They are together and very happy.”_

_“Do you think I’ll get to drive a Jaeger someday?”_

_“I know that you will. But you must promise that when you do, you will remember that the strength to kill kaiju is not in what you think, or the facts you know. Your father may tell you differently, because he wants you to do well in your studies, but even a Marshall can be wrong. A Jaeger requires that you fight with your heart. Will you promise to remember that?”_

_“I promise.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a headcanon that Sasha took an interest in young Mako, and taught her a few things whenever she and Pentecost were in Russia. Like how to take down arrogant men twice your size, for instance.


End file.
